As I blogged some time ago, I applied and got accepted for another exciting Seminar in Zagreb about the topic of “Greening Queer Theory / Queering Green Theory” organized by FYEG (Federation Young European Greens) supported by Heinrich Böll Stiftung Zagreb and Green European Foundation.
I have been here in Zagreb for three days now and the seminar is – as expected – going great. In the process of preparation I did some reading to gain a better understanding of different aspects of sexuality – especially the ones that are not that mainstream. Starting from a blog, a friend recommended, I read a lot of linked blog articles and comments. I have to warn you though. The linked blog as well as the in this blog post quoted blog articles include pornographic content (pictures and texts) and deals with sexuality in a very exploring, very reflective, very aware and very honest way.
For me it in the beginning it was a little intimidating and irritating to read about things like fisting, sex toys or casual sex in such an open way. But I must say that reading and thinking about sex-positivity, understanding the idea of queering or seeing how much shame and judgment there is put into sexuality helped me evolve as a human and gain a more confident, aware and positive approach to my own sexuality.
So if you feel like exploring, reflecting and learning about your own sexuality – that would probably include questions of desires, sexual practices, gender, sex, identity, porn and many more – I really want to encourage you to do that. Freeing yourself from the socials norms that society forces upon us (and in most cases we are not even aware of) is empowering and it doesn’t mean we have to change anything afterwards. But if we stick to our view of the world and sexuality at least our behavior is a rational and aware choice rather then unconscious conformity. The internet is full of great blogs, but also scientific research about every possible question one could think of. I read some of it. If you are interested I suggest to start with the blog “Sex is not the enemy“. And take it from there. Google some more. Or just follow some of the provided links. You know how it works online. One page links to another. One question to the next.
Enjoy.
Any therapist worth their fee can tell you that many, many people feel shame for their perfectly benign fantasies and desires, simply because they’ve internalized the belief that anyone who wants to do those things must be sick. Unless he’s going to argue that being a feminist somehow automatically absolves you of that shame, I don’t see how he can reasonably argue that there are no sex-negative feminists.
Even people who have few negative feelings about their own sexualities can still have negative feelings about other people’s sexual desires or practices. It’s easy to say that you think sex is good. It’s a lot harder to honor, value, and celebrate someone’s sexuality when you find it challenging, confusing, or triggering. And speaking from personal experience, I’ve had plenty of feminists (and non-feminists) judge or try to shame me for my sexuality because of their own issues around it to buy what Jensen is selling.
– Robert Jensen doesnt understand sex-positivism
Kids will look at this porn and learn lessons from it, and right now there must be a whole generation of kids growing up thinking sex is about domination, women need to be in their place and that women who enjoy sex are sluts and whores.
Where is the art and the beauty? Naked bodies are beautiful, sex is fun, but you’d never know this from the crap on the internet.
– Thoughts on American Porn
But before a guy buys himself a toy, he needs to give himself permission to use one. That means more than just getting over adolescent guilt about jerking off. It means accepting that his sexuality is just as complex – and just as capable of ecstasy – as that of any woman. And until men take the risk to explore their own capacity for sexual delight, focusing on sensation more than on simple relief, they’ll continue to miss out.
– Guy Talk: Can male mastubators catch a break?
If there’s one thing that we see rarely — if at all — in porn, it’s laughter. What strikes me about most pornography is that it’s always so deadly serious. A nervous giggle is permissible in a few instances (such as those ghastly “casting couch” videos that are evidently ubiquitous, in which “innocent newcomers” are interviewed and then fucked for the first time on camera.) But laughter during sex, a shared joyful recognition that getting naked and sweaty and contorted is frequently hilarious? Nope. For too many, porn reinforces the obligation to perform, which creates anxiety, which creates in turn a deathly humorlessness.
Too many men associate a woman’s laughter with ridicule. That’s unfortunate, as laughter during sex is an indispensable reminder to connect, to bond, to cease the dutiful performing that is more about obligation and ego than it is about connection. It’s okay to giggle, to tickle, to roll around, to break the tension and the awkwardness, to disrupt the routine that is the enemy of eros. Sex is supposed to be fun, for the love of Pete. And activities during which laughter is impermissible are, almost by definition, not fun.
– Some laughter with the lovmaking, please: on porn, perfomrance, and deadly seriousness
Here’s my take: when you teach adults and children sex-negative messages, sex becomes an undifferentiated mass of “wrong.” If all sex is wrong, then why try to tease out good from bad, pleasurable from painful? When students are taught not to think about sex, they aren’t going to spend any time determining what they do and don’t want, or what they might be interested in. Of course, they’re going to have sex eventually, but when it happens will they be able to communicate at all through the veil of guilt, shame, and self-loathing that sex negativity encourage?
Sex-negative messages don’t keep people from having sex. They keep people from having good sex. They keep people from having pride in their sexuality, from sexual self-awareness. They keep people from asking questions about sex, and communicating with their partners. They discourage experimentation.
– Sex-Negative Education and the Spectre of Rape
Millions of men and women legally purchase, view and enjoy pornography as a form of entertainment every day. The vast majority of these people are decent, law-abiding individuals.
Pornography, in its simplest form (and I accept that there are unsavoury parts of the industry, including the exploitation of women and men – but then there are unsavoury aspects in most industries) is about the depiction of a legally consenting adult having sex with another legally consenting adult (or more, why should numbers matter?) What, in essence, is wrong with that process?
Anyone under the age of 18 viewing pornography in the UK is doing so illegally. I would not condone them doing so. However, I do not see that viewing sexual intercourse, or witnessing nudity, poses any threat or danger to that child. If anything, exposure to the realities of sex and nudity and living in a society where we are happy to discuss such issues openly makes for a safer and healthier environment for young people.
– Jonny Anglais Sex Stripper Teacher
The phenomenon of women who have sex for its own sake seems to baffle many people. It’s widely believed that women have sex for love, commitment, poor self-control, to manipulate men, to please men, to make babies, to sooth their low self-esteem, and just about any reason at all other than their own pleasure. (While men, of course, are rutting horndogs who just want to stick it in the nearest wet hole available.) Sex, according to this trope, is by its nature a commodity that women possess and men are trying to obtain… and the phenomenon of women who are “giving it away,” who are defying these assumptions and treating sex as a pleasurable interaction between equals, is making the media piss all over themselves.
Some people go into casual sex for good, healthy reasons, and some people do it for bad, unhealthy reasons, and many people do it for a combination of the two. And some people have good outcomes from it, and some have crummy outcomes, and some have outcomes that are a mixed bag.
You know. Just like people go into marriage and committed relationships for good reasons and bad reasons and combinations of the two… with good, and bad, and mixed results.
– Puritan Pundits Should Chill Out — Here Are 5 Reasons I’m Happy I’ve Had Lots of Casual Sex
If sex with condoms were exactly as good as sex without condoms, every rational person would use them, provided they were easily available and not trying to procreate. Obviously that’s not the case. Condoms hurt. They cause unnecessary friction and they don’t stay perfectly in place. They smell like a hospital. They break and bunch up and frankly I think they completely erase the organic awesome spontaneity of sex, even if the sex is scripted. As porn performers, we have continuous sex for longer than average by a factor of three to four times. Something official that I recently read and don’t care to look up again said that sex in the wild lasts on average no more than fifteen minutes. Sex on a porn set lasts on average 45-60 minutes in my experience, but I’ve gone continuously as long as two hours. I’ve heard longer from other performers. I’ve never heard of a scene shot in fifteen minutes. So if condoms are uncomfortable for people who use them as they’re meant to be used, for average sex, then imagine how much more uncomfortable they become over the course of a professionally shot scene.
– Condom or No Condom: That is the Question (also Kayden Kross bloggs at http://unkrossed.blogspot.de/ <- interesting!)
This fish is drowning because he went in swimming, despite already living underwater. Kids are basically fine with this. This boy is touching a Barbie. We’re told that’s WAY more confusing than the fish thing. If anyone can think of a counterexample, let me know, but from where I’m standing, it looks like every use of the “confused kids” argument is just people pushing their own incomprehension off onto some largely-hypothetical kids. Can we all agree to stop falling for it?
– Somebody Please Think For The Children
Now that I’m trying to build a writing career around topics other than just sex, it’s hard to imagine that doing porn would be anything other than career suicide.
And that sucks.
I would freaking love to do porn now. I’m more comfortable and more happy with my body than I have been in a very long time. And I would love to share that… for my own exhibitionistic pleasure, and for the sake of others. There aren’t a lot of role models for women of my age — I’m turning 50 at the end of this year — being openly and brazenly sexual, being comfortable and happy with their bodies and their sexualities and proudly celebrating them. I would love to be one of those role models. If I was ever going to do porn or nude pictures, now would be the time.
And I just don’t think I can. Not if I want to be taken seriously as a writer.
This really pisses me off. It pisses me off that, in order to be taken seriously as a female intellectual voice, I have to hold back my sexuality. Especially since it’s such a no-win situation. Women who are too sexual aren’t taken seriously, and women who aren’t sexual enough aren’t taken seriously. Women who are conventionally attractive get valued solely for their sexual appeal; women who aren’t conventionally attractive get dismissed for their lack of it. Women who are conventionally attractive are assumed to be dumb bimbos; women who aren’t conventionally attractive are assumed to be either bitter or desperate. Women who are conventionally attractive get trivialized; women who aren’t conventionally attractive get treated with pity and contempt. We can’t win.
– Why I probably won’t do Porn again
There is an overwhelming sense that fisting is punching. That it’s violent. That you’re beating something up. That you’re hurting someone. That it’s abusive.
The truth is, any sex act can be done incorrectly, against our will, or by somebody we’re just not that into. Getting head can be painful and abusive if you’re not into your partner. Your favorite sex act can be destroyed for you if it’s done to you against your will. Masturbating can make you cry if you’re having a bad day. All sex lives in this liminal space – who we let close to us and what we are willing to do with them relies so heavily on our attraction and also where our bodies and minds live at that moment. If you are with someone you’re attracted to, that your body responds to; if you’re calm, in a good mood, turned on; and if you have the time to spend getting there – fisting is the opposite of all of those scary things. It becomes soft, gentle, sweet, loving, intensely beautiful, life-altering.
– The Truth About Fisting
Also I read a very interesting scientific paper by Gayle Rubin about Sexuality: “Thinking Sex: Notes for a Radical Theory of the Politics of Sexuality” (pdf, bad quality). I just want to quote some of the interesting passages:
The time has come to think about sex. To some, sexuality may seem to be an unimportant topic, a frivolous diversion.from the more critical problems of poverty, war, disease, racism, famine, or nuclear annihilation. But it is precisely at times such as these, when we live with the possibility of unthinkable destruction, that people are likely to become dangerously crazy about sexuality. Contemporary conflicts over sexual values and erotic conduct have much in common with the religious disputes of earlier centuries. They acquire immense symbolic weight. Disputes over sexual behavior often become the vehicles for displacing social anxieties, and discharging their attendant emotional intensity. Consequently, sexuality should be treated with special respect in times of great social stress.
All these hierarchies of sexual value – religious, psychiatric, and popular – function in much the same ways as do ideological systems of racism, ethnocentrism, and religious chauvinism. They rationalize the well-being of the sexually privileged and the adversity of the sexual rabble.
Figure 1 diagrams a general version of the sexual value system. According to this system, sexuality that is “good,” “normal” and “natural” should ideally be heterosexual, marital, monogamous, reproductive, and non-commercial. It should be coupled, rela- tional, within the same generation, and occur at home. It should not involve pornography, fetish objects, sex toys of any sort, or roles other than male and female. Any sex that violates these rules is “bad,” “abnormal,” or “unnatural.” Bad sex may be homosexual, unmarried, promiscuous, non-procreative,.or com- mercial. It may be masturbatory or take place at orgies, may be casual, may cross generatior.31 lines, and may take place in “public,” or at least in the bushes or the baths. It may involve the use of pornography, fetish objects, sex toys, or unusual roles
diagrams another aspect of the sexual hierarchy: the need to draw and maintain an imaginary line between good and bad sex. Most of the discourses on sex, be they religious, psychiatric, popular, or political, delimit a very small portion of human sexual capacity as sanctifiable, safe, healthy, mature, legal, or politically correct. The “line” distinguishes these from all other erotic behaviors, which are understood to be the work of the devil, dangerous, psychopathological, infantile, or politically reprehensible. Arguments are then conducted over “where to draw the line,” and to determine what other activities, if any, may be permitted to cross over into acceptability. All these models assume a domino theory of sexual peril. The line appears to stand between sexual order and chaos. It expresses the fear that if anything is permitted to cross this erotic DMZ, the barrier against scary sex will crumble and something unspeakable will skitter across. Most systems of sexual judgment – religious, psychological, feminist, or socialist – attempt to determine on which side of the line a particular act falls. Only sex acts on the good side of the line are accorded moral complexity. For instance, heterosexual encounters may be sublime or disgusting, free or forced, healing or destructive, romantic or mercenary. As long as it does not violate other rules, heterosexuality is acknowledged to exhibit the full range of human experience. In contrast, all sex acts on the bad side of the line are considered utterly repulsive and devoid of all emotional nuance. The further from the line a sex act is, the more it is depicted as a uniformly bad experience. As a result of the sex conflicts of the last decade, some behavior near the border is inching across it. Unmarried couples living together, masturbation, and some forms of homosexuality
are moving in the direction of respectability (see Figure 2). Most homosexuality is still on the bad side of the line. But if it is coupled and monogamous, the society is beginning to recognize that it includes the full range of human interaction. Promiscuous homosexuality, sadomasochism, fetishism, transsexuality, and cross-generational encounters are still viewed as unmodulated honors incapable of involving affection, love, free choice, kindness, or transcendence.
This kind of sexual morality has more in common with ideologies of racism than with true ethics. It grants virtue to the dominant groups, and relegates vice to the underprivileged. A democratic morality should judge sexual acts by the way partners treat one another, the level of mutual consideration, the presence or absence of coercion, and the quantity and quality of the pleasures they provide. Whether sex acts are gay or straight, coupled or in groups, naked or in underwear, commercial or free, with or without video, should not be ethical concerns.
It is difficult to develop a pluralistic sexual ethics without a concept of benign sexual variation. Variation is a fundamental property of all life, from the simplest biological organisms to the most complex human social formations. Yet sexuality is supposed to conform to a single standard. One of the most tenacious ideas about sex is that there is one best way to do it, and that everyone should do it that way.
Most people find it difficult to grasp that whatever they like to do sexually will be thoroughly repulsive to someone else, and that whatever repels them sexually will be the most treasured delight of someone, somewhere. One need not like or perform a particular sex act in order to recognize that someone else will, and that this difference does not indicate a lack of good taste, mental health, or intelligence in either party. Most people mistake their sexual preferences for a universal system that will or should work for everyone.
The Limits of Feminism
“We know that in an overwhelmingly large number of cases, sex crime is associated with pornography. We know that sex criminals read it, are clearly influenced by it. I believe that, if we can eliminate the distribution of such items among impressionable children, we shall greatly reduce our frightening sex-crime rate.”
J . E d g a r H o o ver
In the absence of a more diculated radical theory of sex, most progressives have turned to feminism for guidance. But the relationship between feminism and sex is complex. Because sexuality is a nexus of the relationships between genders, much of the oppression of women is borne by, mediated through, and constituted within, sexuality. Feminism has always been vitally interested in sex. But there have been two strains of feminist thought on the subject. One tendency has criticized the restrictions on women’s sexual behavior and denounced the high costs imposed on women for being sexually active. This tradition of feminist sexual thought has called for a sexual liberation that would work for women as well as for men. The second tendency has considered sexual liberalization to be inherently a mere extension of male privilege. This tradition resonates with conservative, anti-sexual discourse. With the advent of the anti- pornography movement, it achieved temporary hegemony over feminist analysis.
The anti-pornography movement and its texts have been the most extensive expression of this discourse. In addition, proponents of this viewpoint have condemned virtually every variant of sexual expression as anti-feminist. Within this framework, monogamous lesbianism that occurs within long-term, intimate relationships and which does not involve playing with polarized roles, has replaced married, procreative hetero- sexuality at the top of the value hierarchy. Heterosexuality has been demoted to somewhere in the middle. Apart from this change, everything else looks more or less familiar. The lower depths are occupied by the usual groups and behaviors: prostitution, transsexuality, sadomasochism, and cross- generational activities most gay male conduct, all casual sex, promiscuity, and lesbian behavior that does involve roles or kink or non-monogamy are also ensured. Even sexual fantasy during masturbation is denounced as a phallocentric holdover.
This discourse on sexuality is less a sexology than a demonology. It presents most sexual behavior in the worst possible light. Its descriptions of erotic conduct always use the worst available example as if it were representative. It presents the most disgusting pornography, the most exploited forms of prostitution, and the least palatable or most shocking manifestations of sexual variation. This rhetorical tactic consistently misrepresents human sexuality in all its forms. The picture of human sexuality that emerges from this literature is unremittingly ugly.
In Western culture, sex is taken all too seriously. A person is not considered immoral, is not sent to prison, and is not expelled from her or his family, for enjoying spicy cuisine. But an individual may go through all this and more for enjoying shoe leather. Ultimately, of what possible social significance is it if a person likes to masturbate over a shoe? It may even be non- consensual, but since we do not ask permission of our shoes to wear them, it hardly seems necessary to obtain dispensation to come on them.
If sex is taken too seriously, sexual persecution is not taken seriously enough. There is systematic mistreatment of individuals and communities on the basis of erotic taste or behavior. There are serious penalties for belonging to the various sexual occupational castes. The sexuality of the young is denied, adult sexuality is often treated like a variety of nuclear waste, and the graphic representation of sex takes place in a mire of legal and social circumlocution. Specific populations bear the brunt of the w e n t system of erotic power, but their persecution upholds a system that affects everyone.